Baltimore at Kansas City

To Baltimore:

1. Stop Jamaal Charles. I know. I know. That’s like saying eat a giant larva without throwing up all over yourself  like you just played ginpong for four straight hours (a variation of beerpong played with … yup you guessed it gin … that made me turn into Peter Griffin after he takes emetics on New Year’s Eve and erased all my memories from the first few hours of 2011) but it is the key for the Ravens if they want to win this one. (Sidebar: In my opinion Bear Grylls is the only human being on planet earth that could eat that giant batch of grossness. That is if he is human of course.) Anyway, if I was Baltimore (or Baahlmore like the natives call it) I would rather live with Matt Cassel and his 58.2 completion percentage beating me than Charles and his 6.8 yards per rush attempt (leading the league among runningbacks). Crowd the box and dare them to throw. It’s not a guarantee for success but this is survival time: You stack the odds in your favor and hope for good things to happen.

2. Use your experience to your advantage. This Chiefs team your facing is relatively young and unexperienced. You have, especially on defense, plenty of vets (think Lewis, Reed, etc.) that have been there before. Intimidate your opponent. It’s like the old survival trick of making yourself appear bigger than you are to fend off large predators. You play on the road but that doesn’t mean you can’t rattle an untested quarterback. There has to be trash-talking and chest-bumping after every tackle for loss. I mean hell, Reed and Lewis both played for the U, now that brashness needs to be translated to the NFL level.

3. Finish strong. Not counting their overtime loss to the Raiders the Chiefs gave up 62 fourth quarter points in their five losses. They were outscored 19-62 in those fourth quarters.

To Kansas City:

1. “Whenever you can, use what nature gives you.” – Bear Grylls in the bear-infested forests of Romania. In Kansas City’s case nature gives you Arrowhead stadium (the third largest NFL stadium in seating capacity) and an awesome crowd. Use it! The Chiefs only lost once at home this whole season. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

2. As Bear fights through the thick vegetation of Sumatra he stops for a second and has a look of almost desperation on his face (except it is freaking BEAR GRYLLS and giving up is not in his vocabular). He turns to the camera and recalls what a soldier told him when he went into a jungle for the first time: “Try not to concentrate on what is immediately around you but try and look through the vegetation.” As I’ve mentioned above, the Ravens should and will try to focus on Charles. They will play aggressive. This means three thing: play action, play action and some more play action. Hope that the Ravens are so close that they won’t see through the vege…errr… play action. Next week on Man vs. Wild: Bear explains the importance of press coverage in short yardage situations.

3. Make plays on special teams. The Ravens are an extremely balanced team (attempting only four more passes than rushes all season) with a solid defense. This means you have to look for other ways to gain an edge. A good punt return or even a score on special teams could swing the momentum of the whole game in your favor. In order to survive you must be resourceful.

Green Bay at Philadelphia

To Green Bay:

1. “Prepare for the worst and hope it never happens” – Bear Grylls. The worst is Vick being in the zone and making plays that only Vick (and probably Bear Grylls) can make. The problem is how do you prepare for something like Vick? One Houdini-move could mean a 40-yard scramble or worse a touchdown. Maybe they try to get in his head, send him a dogtag, buy him a hot dog or something like that.Whatever it takes, right!? (Sidebar: The irony of the whole thing is that it was the Packers who unleashed (no pun intended) Vick on defenses across the country. Had Clay Matthews not concussed Kolb in that Week 1 game, who knows if the Eagles ever had discovered Vick’s true potential. They created a beast that may very well slay them now. Shakespear anyone!?)

2. DO NOT LET UP! Just ask Giants fans…

3. Don’t punt to Desean Jackson. How about this for a rule of thumb: The less Jackson touches the ball, the better. Again, ask Giants fans.

To Philadelphia:

1. Dare them to run. Until they prove to you that they can run it, you can live with Rodgers handing it off (3.8 yards per attempt, sixth worst in the league). What you can’t live with is Rodgers throwing for 300+ yards and 4 TDs. Any more questions?

2. Protect Vick at any cost! I don’t care if you have to play out of a shotgun on every down; you have to protect your number one weapon. Vick gets hit often enough as it is, you can’t have the Pack use him as a punching back INSIDE the pocket. Your team stands and falls with Vick. He is not an MVP candidate for nothing. If you want to put it in survival terms: Vick=water; You won’t go three drives (=days) without him (=it) and survive.

3. Let Philly fans be Philly fans. R-rated chants. Unruly behavior. Inapropriate signs. Your fans are one of the most notorious in all the land. Let them show it. The more hostile the environment, the better. Think about it: Would you rather step into the Lion’s den or a cage full of kittys. Now unelss you are Bear Grylls you prefer the second option.

One more random thought: If Jets-Colts was the Hatebowl than this is the Poor-time-management-bowl. Let’s hope Reid and McCarthy don’t screw up so much that there is an aberration in the space-time continuum and we all get catapulted back into the Stone Age. McCarthy!!! Reid!!! The Clock!!! It’s the NFL playoffs on FOX!!!

With that I wish all you fans out there all the best (except for Jets fans of course) and hope your team fights to live another week. Stayin’ alive stayin alive hah hah hah hah stayin’ aaaaaaaaaalive!!!!

(For example: Every time I sit on a chair lift when skiing and it suddenly stops for a while, I map out how I would survive the jump into the deep snow below and play out different scenarios in my mind for escaping from the chair lift.)

I am fascinated by the thought of having to survive in the wilderness and how my body and psyche would react in such offbeat situations.

Personally I like to think that I would put up a descent fight. Heck, I made it through my first semester of college at the University of Miami and with the scorching heat, the stomach-turning cafeteria food ( A shoutout to our friends at Chartwells!) and ferocious wildlife (squirrels that don’t move an inch when sitting on walkways so you actually have to walk around them and goose-like creatures that could snap your fingers in half) it can’t possibly be much more difficult than surviving in some African jungle. Right!?

Anyway… You know what else is all about surviving!?

Exactly! The playoffs (for all our friends from the NCAA reading this: that is a system in which all of the good teams get a fair shot at a championship. Say it with me! PHH-LLL-AAAAA-YY-OHHH-FFFFFFF-SSSS!) of the National Football League.

That is why I have taken a page from the playbook of Bear Grylls aka. the real-life Chuck Norris and contrived a survival guide for the playoffs. The first part will deal with survival strategies for fans of teams still in the race and fans of teams that missed the cut. The second part is dedicated to the teams that will face off this weekend.

Off we go!

First Part

Fans whose teams made the playoffs

-To all fans of teams that have a bye week: Relax! This is the best part. You get to watch your friends freak out and there is a 50% chance they will be absolutely devasted. So break out the imported Lager, kick back and watch the wildcard-mayhem begin. WARNING: Be careful with the trash-talk and condescending remarks to your scorned friends, because we all know karma is a bitch. Just ask Rex Ryan.

-To all fans of teams that are playing this weekend: Here are some precautionary steps and guidelines.

1. Don’t do anything different than you did the rest of the season. That means don’t try to be fancy and wear that new throwback jersey you got for christmas and don’t change your pregame meal if you have one. We all know that athletes are all about routines so why should we fans be any different. And don’t let anybody tell you that you don’t have an impact on the game even if you are thousands of miles away and have no personal connection to the players whatsoever. It MATTERS that you sit in the same exact spot on the couch like you did all season and that the sandwich crumbs on your stomach are arranged in the same triangular pattern as always. And no I am not superstitious. Wait, where is my rabbit’s foot!?

2. Avoid watching the game with fans from the other team or in a large setting UNLESS this would compromise the previous (1.) step. Why deliberately put yourself in a situation where you run danger of being ridiculed and mocked should the unthinkable happen and your team loses!? Don’t engage in obvious dangers if they can easily be averted. That’s just Survival 101 right there! Spare yourself the additionally agony.

3. Drink a lot of alcohol! Either your team wins and the victory is that much sweeter when you gloriously jump around the room burping like a pig drunk-texting all your buddys and colleagues who doubted your team OR your team loses in which case you might want to up the dose even more in order to forget the game as quickly as possible. Who says alcohol doesn’t solve problems!? To those people I say: HA! Have some of that … Bourbon!

- To all fans of teams that were left out:

1. Drink a lot of alcohol! See forget, quickly.

2. Bet. Bet. Bet. If there is no shelter there, make your own one. If there is no rooting interest left, make your own one.

3. Take joy in your friends defeats. Often times a nasty facebook post on your buddy’s wall about how his team got absolutely trashed can make you forget how much your own team sucks. Including a little videoclip of a memorable collapse can work sheer wonders in lifting your own mood while conversely making the loss even worse for your buddy which then keeps the natural balance of happiness between two friends in check. I don’t think Dr. Phil could have said it any better.

4. The draft is only 111 days away.

Second Part

New Orleans at Seattle

To Seattle:

1. Pray! Somebody up there must really like Seattle considering that the Seahawks made the playoffs as the first losing team in a full 16-game season and got a freakin’ home game no less. Might as well look for even more divine help at this point. My guess it is the weather gods that are trying to throw Seattleites a bone here.

2. Speaking of weather, the Seahawks should hope for a lousy Seattle-y weather to throw off New Orleans’ high-octane passing offense. There is nothing better that could happen to Seattle than a rainy Saturday in the 30s to slow down the most efficient pass offense in the league (leading the NFL with a completion percentage of 68.1).

3. “Knowing your environment always improves your survival chances” -Bear Gryllz while roaming the jungle of Belize. He might as well have been talking about the NFL playoffs. The Seahawks biggest advantage is their home-field advantage. They are one of the last teams left that have a real home-field advantage and they should not have any problem selling out the stadium.

Quickly to recap: Pray, hope for bad weather and a ferocious home crowd. Ladies and Gentleman, your 2010 Seattle Seahawks! And still … they have a theoretical chance at a Vince Lombardi trophy. Every Giants and Bucs fan just threw up a little in their mouths and reached for some more Jack Daniels.

To New Orleans:

1. Throw the kitchen sink and then some at Matt Hasselbeck right from the start. It is key for the Saints to come out swininging so the crowd never has a chance to become a factor. Apply pressure to a banged up quarterback, knock him to the ground a couple of times and good things will happen for your defense. Sometimes it is as easy as that.

2. Whether you are lost in the desert, trying to hold your own in a fantasy football playoff battle or a real playoff battle; don’t ever try to get cute. It just doesn’t work. Trust your abilities, dance with what brought ya and stick to your strenghts. For the Saints this means trusting your future HOF quarterback to make plays and have him pick apart one of the worst pass defenses in the league (tied for third place with 31 pass TDs given up and 3994 passing yards allowed). Sure you’re going to try to keep them on their toes, but really if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Now let’s move on before I use even more old football adages and turn into a crusty SEC coach with a ridiculous name. Yes, I am talking to you Joker Phillips of Kentucky.

3. Don’t underestimate your opponent or situation. Never a good idea no matter the circumstances, but especially not a good idea when you are the defending champ facing a team that shouldn’t even be in the playoffs. That just has improbable sports-movie-upset written all over it and let me tell you as a Pats fan, it’s even worse than you can possibly imagine to be on the losing side of that one. So leading up to the game, talk of them like they are the champs and you are the underdog and prepare the same way. It has never hurt anybody to sweet-talk their opponent. The other way around is more problematic.

New York at Indianapolis

To New York:

1. Run. The. Ball. Ask any football expert currently employed by CBS, ESPN or FOX and they will tell you: “To win in the playoffs in the National Football League you have to be able to run the ball and stop the run. Also I get paid waaaaaay too much for stating the obvious and/or laughing akwardly at unfunny jokes.” I only made up one of the last two sentences. Now while we certainly can’t trust some TV experts’ competence we do know that the Jets were at their best early in the season when they ran the ball. And really I don’t know why they ever got away from that. In any walk of life is it ever a good idea to get Mark Sanchez involved MORE!? From Week 2 to Week 12 the Jets averaged 34.4 rushing attempts per game. They went 9-1 over that stretch. In other words everytime the Jets attempted to run over 31 times a game they won. Hopefully Rex never realizes this because then we all can look forward to an uber-somber Jets press conference and the 0.5% chance that some reporter will make a foot fetish joke hidden behind a condescending question.

2. Keep Manning off the field. Guess what!? If you just run the ball this will be taken care of easily.

3. Do not panic when down early. Really, to panic is never a good survival strategy. The consensus feeling when playing the Colts is: “Crap, we are down seven to Manning we MUST start throwing now and make this into a shootout!” That is like saying: “Crap, the shark just bit me. There is blood in the water. I should bite the shark back.” NO! You have hands you punch the shark in the freakin’ nose! Why would you not use your obvious advantages but instead stoop to your enemies’ level where they will obviosuly kick your ass or eat you depending on the situation. One more thing: In the six games the Colts lost this season their opponents averaged 37 rushing attempts per game. Conversely in the ten games they won their opponents averaged 22.3 rushing attempts. Need I say more!?

To Indianapolis:

1. Don’t blitz Mark Sanchez. According to this very interesting blog post Sanchez actually has a higher passer rating against the blitz than against a non-blitz formation. So all you have to do is cover. Which coincidentally is also the theme of the Detroit Lions season this year who were 12-4 against the spread. Bravo Lions! Bravo!

2. Pump in additional crowd noise. What they don’t do that anymore!? Never mind then.

3. Let Manning do work. It’s a night game. It’s a home game. It’s the Colts. We have been here before.

One random thought before we go: As a Pats fan I dub this game the Hatebowl because there are no two teams in the NFL I loathe more than the Jets and the Colts. That’s why I am hoping for a tie so that by some quirky loophole in the rulebook both teams are eliminated.

-TO BE CONTINUED with survival tips for Sunday’s teams-

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5849496

http://www.nfl.com/news/story/09000d5d81c24dae/article/redskins-qb-mcnabb-agrees-fiveyear-88-million-extension?module=HP_cp2

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5760191

-The Dallas Cowboys’ Dez Bryant (who will miss 4-6 weeks due to injury) will have a better statistical season than Roy E. Williams (C) and an extraterrestrial aircraft will try to land on Cowboys stadium (F). Granted both are long shots to say the least, but hear me out:

When I think of Roy Williams, I think of a washed up 35-year-old bust. Needless to say that I was stunned when I found out that he is 28 and only entering his 8th season in the NFL. The fact that I put Williams in Favre territory speaks volumes about his talents as a wide out. He is so atrocious that I subconsciously made him seven years older in order to make sense of his lack of competence. (Hey at least it’s not like he was drafted in the first round. Oh, wait. That’s right. HE WAS DRAFTED IN THE FIRST EFFING ROUND! Nice job, Lions. Nice job.)

Dez Bryant on the other hand is the hot new thing. He had a sensational sophmore campaign at Oklahoma State (1480 receiving yards and 19TDs) and would’ve probably followed that up with a similar spectacular season in 2009, had he not been suspened by the NCAA. (He had 323 receiving yards and 4 TDs in only 3 games.)

Now think about it. At the worst he’ll miss 5 games (The Boys have a bye in week 4.) and at the best 3. Considering that Mr. Williams had a meager 596 yards receiving and 7 TDs last year, the idea that Bryant might catch him near the end of the season doesn’t seem so far-fetched anymore.

As far as Cowboys stadium is concerned: Does it not look like the mother ship from “Independence Day”!? (Sneaky good trailer by the way, considering that it’s already 14 years old.)

A quick bonus prediction for “America’s team”: Jerry Jones will make 2 or more controversial comments. (A) Easiest one so far by a mile.

- The New York Football Giants’ Victor Cruz will make the team (A) and become a star (D). I know, I know, I know. It’s only one game. In fact, it’s a preseason one (In case you didn’t see it, he had 3 TDs and 145 yards receiving to go along with a sick one-handed catch). I know all that, but yet I truly (copyright by the “Real World: New Orleans” cast; Am I the only one who is annoyed by their constant overuse of the word “truly”?! Really, I truly am? Alright, I’ll truly shut up then.) believe that he’ll become this year’s Miles Austin. There is no real evidence to prove this prediction right (or wrong for that matter), but watching him haul in that long pass with one hand while being held by the corner back and then gliding down the sideline and scoring a touchdown in the process just gave me this weird feeling of watching a star being born. Cruz knew that if he wanted to make the team or at least have a chance he would have to have a big game and he did just that. Now that’s performing under pressure, seizing the moment, or whatever you want to call it. You can’t coach desire like that. Plus sometimes you just have to go with your gut feeling. (Like I did in my fantasy football draft when I avoided Matt Schaub mainly, because I got a feeling of nausea when I imagined having him on my team and then sitting there in Week 2 scrambling to find a replacement for him after his left shoulder exploded in 234 different places. Really when you’re known to be injury prone and you make it through a whole season without a major injury that’s a dark red flag for me for the following season.) Besides, this post is called “Nutty Fortune Lecture” not “Reasonable Fortune Lecture”. So there.

- The Philadelphia Eagles will regret that they traded Donovan McNabb (C), no less within their own division (A). There will be a huge drop-off for the Eagles this season. You don’t get rid of a pro bowl caliber quarterback and continue to put a double digit number in your W column and go to the playoffs. It just doesn’t happen. Not even Aaron Rodgers could do that when he got handed the keys to the car in 2008. To make matters worse Eagles fans will have to watch their former franchise player up the ante twice a year and stick it to the Philly front office. Good thing that the fans there aren’t like vivacious or anything.

- The Washington Redskins will be .500 or better (B). New quarterback. New coach. New mentality? Who knows, in any case the ‘Skins don’t have anywhere to go but up.

**NEXT EDITION: AFC NORTH**

Naturally, I was instantly bummed out and alternately muttering “Nhhhhoooo’s” and “Wwwwhhhy’s” at my desktop while raising a clenched fist to the ceiling and shaking it vigorously.

After a few minutes of rinse, lather, repeat, I turned my eyes back to the screen only to find out that A-Rod  had just become the youngest player in history to hit 600 home runs.

Great. Juuuuhhhst great. The big fella in the sky just kept pouring it on.

To make matters even worse I remembered that the Red Sox were hopelessly treading water in a ridiculously strong division while fielding a team where basically everybody but the bat boy is/ has been on the DL.

Oh and did I mention that the Celtics lost against their archrival in the finals a few weeks ago and are so swamped with washed-up/old guys that there is no conceivable scenario in which they can get past the second round of the playoffs next year!? The 2010/11 Celtics – Where NBA Methuselahs, busts and headcases go to die!

And then just as I got ready to proceed the fist-clenching, forehead vein pulsating, teeth grinding ritual from before, I remembered something so magically beautiful it deserves at least three exclamation marks and capital letters (No “comic sans” though. I will leave that to the master of the pointed pen, Mr. Gilbert.)

THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE STARTS IN A MERE MONTH!!!

That’s right the modern day gladiators are back and another exciting, action-packed and tumultous season is around the corner. So what better way to lighten up the mood than with some good old fashioned fortune telling. Here are 32 predictions (Yup, one for each team.) that may or may not come true and may or may not make you laugh (or at least smile). In order to spice it up a little we’ll have five self-explanatory categories rating the likeliness of the prediction coming true:

(A) – Bet the house

(B) – Maybe not the house, but at least the car

(C) -  Start hedging your bets

(D) – Entering “Unlikely Land”

(F) – Might as well play lotto

- The Bills will lose 12 games or more (A) and move to Tornoto (D) after the season. They play in the second strongest division in football (which gives them six losses right there) and their offense is plain awful. I mean, they already sucked last year, but they somehow managed to get even worse. (GM Buddy Nix, ladies and gentlemen! Coincidentally nix means nothing in german. As in he has done nothing to improve this team.) The O-line hasn’t been that good to begin with and has been decimated by injuries severly. (This gives you an idea of how bad the situation in Buffalo really is. I actually had to shake my head so many times reading it that it started to hurt.) Naturally, the front office decide it would be a good idea to draft running back C.J. Spiller from Clemson (when they already have Fred Jackson who did a solid job last year as anyone who plays fantasy football can attest)  instead of trading up for OT Russell Okung or just taking OT Anthony Davis (who went just two spots later to San Francisco). Maybe somebody should tell them that they could have freakin’ Chris Johnson back there and they wouldn’t do much damage with a line that is described as “chaotic” (see the aforementioned article). To make matters even worse their quarterback situation is suboptimal at best. You can’t win without a solid offensive line. Just ask Tom Brady (sigh).

- The ‘Fins will make the playoffs (B). Hold on let me go into Lee Corso (if you don’t know him here is just a taste of the madness ) mode for this one: “. . reaching down behind the desk to grab something) …. (holds up a live dolphin and swings it over his head like a sword) !!!! HHHHYIEEAAAHHHH!!! (Security comes on stage to restrain Corso while Kirk reaches under the table to hose down Lee … aaaahhhnnndd … scene!)

-The Pats will not make it past the second round of the playoffs (B). They are one year away from being the Patriots of ‘01-’04. One year. Remember my words. One year away.

-The J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets will not make the playoffs (B) and Andy Reid and Rex Ryan will face off in a Philly cheesesteak chowdown showdown after the fourth preseason game (F). Karma is a bitch, especially in the NFL. We saw it with the Pats in 2007. They were ready to accept the Vince Lombardi trophy in the pregame interviews leading up to Superbowl and all that was handed to them were their asses. So seeing the Jets talk a big game when they only got into the playoffs last year, because the Colts forfeit that now infamous week 16 game, would scare the living hell out of me if I was a Jets fan. (Luckily I am not and rather savoring every last blowhard comment they make, knowing that I am going to enjoy it all doubly when they fall flat on their faces this fall. In related news the Jets have also incurred the Hard Knocks curse.) Of course not only the mighty forces of karma propelled me to this prediction, but also the fact that they swapped their leading rusher (Thomas Jones, 331 carries, 1402 yards, 14 TDs, only MJD and AP had more, and 4.2 yards per carry) for … wait for it … wait for it … that’s right the one and only LT. The epitome of a washed up running back with nothing left in the tank and legs that are completely shot. When I heard about that move my reaction was similar to Angelina’s in this clip (at 3:01) when Ronnie confronts her: “Uhmmm HELLO ARE YOU F***ING STUPID!?!? YOU TRADED AWAY YOUR LEADING RUSHER AND REPLACED HIM WITH F***ING LADAINIAN TOMLINSON!!! ARE YOU DUMB!?!? HELLO!?!? THAT’S SMART!?!? NOOOO!!!”

Anyway, moving on.

**Next Edition: NFC East**