If you missed Pt. 1 click here. If not keep on reading.
Baltimore at Kansas City
To Baltimore:
1. Stop Jamaal Charles. I know. I know. That’s like saying eat a giant larva without throwing up all over yourself like you just played ginpong for four straight hours (a variation of beerpong played with … yup you guessed it gin … that made me turn into Peter Griffin after he takes emetics on New Year’s Eve and erased all my memories from the first few hours of 2011) but it is the key for the Ravens if they want to win this one. (Sidebar: In my opinion Bear Grylls is the only human being on planet earth that could eat that giant batch of grossness. That is if he is human of course.) Anyway, if I was Baltimore (or Baahlmore like the natives call it) I would rather live with Matt Cassel and his 58.2 completion percentage beating me than Charles and his 6.8 yards per rush attempt (leading the league among runningbacks). Crowd the box and dare them to throw. It’s not a guarantee for success but this is survival time: You stack the odds in your favor and hope for good things to happen.
2. Use your experience to your advantage. This Chiefs team your facing is relatively young and unexperienced. You have, especially on defense, plenty of vets (think Lewis, Reed, etc.) that have been there before. Intimidate your opponent. It’s like the old survival trick of making yourself appear bigger than you are to fend off large predators. You play on the road but that doesn’t mean you can’t rattle an untested quarterback. There has to be trash-talking and chest-bumping after every tackle for loss. I mean hell, Reed and Lewis both played for the U, now that brashness needs to be translated to the NFL level.
3. Finish strong. Not counting their overtime loss to the Raiders the Chiefs gave up 62 fourth quarter points in their five losses. They were outscored 19-62 in those fourth quarters.
To Kansas City:
1. “Whenever you can, use what nature gives you.” – Bear Grylls in the bear-infested forests of Romania. In Kansas City’s case nature gives you Arrowhead stadium (the third largest NFL stadium in seating capacity) and an awesome crowd. Use it! The Chiefs only lost once at home this whole season. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
2. As Bear fights through the thick vegetation of Sumatra he stops for a second and has a look of almost desperation on his face (except it is freaking BEAR GRYLLS and giving up is not in his vocabular). He turns to the camera and recalls what a soldier told him when he went into a jungle for the first time: “Try not to concentrate on what is immediately around you but try and look through the vegetation.” As I’ve mentioned above, the Ravens should and will try to focus on Charles. They will play aggressive. This means three thing: play action, play action and some more play action. Hope that the Ravens are so close that they won’t see through the vege…errr… play action. Next week on Man vs. Wild: Bear explains the importance of press coverage in short yardage situations.
3. Make plays on special teams. The Ravens are an extremely balanced team (attempting only four more passes than rushes all season) with a solid defense. This means you have to look for other ways to gain an edge. A good punt return or even a score on special teams could swing the momentum of the whole game in your favor. In order to survive you must be resourceful.
Green Bay at Philadelphia
To Green Bay:
1. “Prepare for the worst and hope it never happens” – Bear Grylls. The worst is Vick being in the zone and making plays that only Vick (and probably Bear Grylls) can make. The problem is how do you prepare for something like Vick? One Houdini-move could mean a 40-yard scramble or worse a touchdown. Maybe they try to get in his head, send him a dogtag, buy him a hot dog or something like that.Whatever it takes, right!? (Sidebar: The irony of the whole thing is that it was the Packers who unleashed (no pun intended) Vick on defenses across the country. Had Clay Matthews not concussed Kolb in that Week 1 game, who knows if the Eagles ever had discovered Vick’s true potential. They created a beast that may very well slay them now. Shakespear anyone!?)
2. DO NOT LET UP! Just ask Giants fans…
3. Don’t punt to Desean Jackson. How about this for a rule of thumb: The less Jackson touches the ball, the better. Again, ask Giants fans.
To Philadelphia:
1. Dare them to run. Until they prove to you that they can run it, you can live with Rodgers handing it off (3.8 yards per attempt, sixth worst in the league). What you can’t live with is Rodgers throwing for 300+ yards and 4 TDs. Any more questions?
2. Protect Vick at any cost! I don’t care if you have to play out of a shotgun on every down; you have to protect your number one weapon. Vick gets hit often enough as it is, you can’t have the Pack use him as a punching back INSIDE the pocket. Your team stands and falls with Vick. He is not an MVP candidate for nothing. If you want to put it in survival terms: Vick=water; You won’t go three drives (=days) without him (=it) and survive.
3. Let Philly fans be Philly fans. R-rated chants. Unruly behavior. Inapropriate signs. Your fans are one of the most notorious in all the land. Let them show it. The more hostile the environment, the better. Think about it: Would you rather step into the Lion’s den or a cage full of kittys. Now unelss you are Bear Grylls you prefer the second option.
One more random thought: If Jets-Colts was the Hatebowl than this is the Poor-time-management-bowl. Let’s hope Reid and McCarthy don’t screw up so much that there is an aberration in the space-time continuum and we all get catapulted back into the Stone Age. McCarthy!!! Reid!!! The Clock!!! It’s the NFL playoffs on FOX!!!
With that I wish all you fans out there all the best (except for Jets fans of course) and hope your team fights to live another week. Stayin’ alive stayin alive hah hah hah hah stayin’ aaaaaaaaaalive!!!!