I am survival junkie. I am the kind of person who always wonders how I would go about surviving in an extreme situation if I had to.
(For example: Every time I sit on a chair lift when skiing and it suddenly stops for a while, I map out how I would survive the jump into the deep snow below and play out different scenarios in my mind for escaping from the chair lift.)
I am fascinated by the thought of having to survive in the wilderness and how my body and psyche would react in such offbeat situations.
Personally I like to think that I would put up a descent fight. Heck, I made it through my first semester of college at the University of Miami and with the scorching heat, the stomach-turning cafeteria food ( A shoutout to our friends at Chartwells!) and ferocious wildlife (squirrels that don’t move an inch when sitting on walkways so you actually have to walk around them and goose-like creatures that could snap your fingers in half) it can’t possibly be much more difficult than surviving in some African jungle. Right!?
Anyway… You know what else is all about surviving!?
Exactly! The playoffs (for all our friends from the NCAA reading this: that is a system in which all of the good teams get a fair shot at a championship. Say it with me! PHH-LLL-AAAAA-YY-OHHH-FFFFFFF-SSSS!) of the National Football League.
That is why I have taken a page from the playbook of Bear Grylls aka. the real-life Chuck Norris and contrived a survival guide for the playoffs. The first part will deal with survival strategies for fans of teams still in the race and fans of teams that missed the cut. The second part is dedicated to the teams that will face off this weekend.
Off we go!
First Part
Fans whose teams made the playoffs
-To all fans of teams that have a bye week: Relax! This is the best part. You get to watch your friends freak out and there is a 50% chance they will be absolutely devasted. So break out the imported Lager, kick back and watch the wildcard-mayhem begin. WARNING: Be careful with the trash-talk and condescending remarks to your scorned friends, because we all know karma is a bitch. Just ask Rex Ryan.
-To all fans of teams that are playing this weekend: Here are some precautionary steps and guidelines.
1. Don’t do anything different than you did the rest of the season. That means don’t try to be fancy and wear that new throwback jersey you got for christmas and don’t change your pregame meal if you have one. We all know that athletes are all about routines so why should we fans be any different. And don’t let anybody tell you that you don’t have an impact on the game even if you are thousands of miles away and have no personal connection to the players whatsoever. It MATTERS that you sit in the same exact spot on the couch like you did all season and that the sandwich crumbs on your stomach are arranged in the same triangular pattern as always. And no I am not superstitious. Wait, where is my rabbit’s foot!?
2. Avoid watching the game with fans from the other team or in a large setting UNLESS this would compromise the previous (1.) step. Why deliberately put yourself in a situation where you run danger of being ridiculed and mocked should the unthinkable happen and your team loses!? Don’t engage in obvious dangers if they can easily be averted. That’s just Survival 101 right there! Spare yourself the additionally agony.
3. Drink a lot of alcohol! Either your team wins and the victory is that much sweeter when you gloriously jump around the room burping like a pig drunk-texting all your buddys and colleagues who doubted your team OR your team loses in which case you might want to up the dose even more in order to forget the game as quickly as possible. Who says alcohol doesn’t solve problems!? To those people I say: HA! Have some of that … Bourbon!
- To all fans of teams that were left out:
1. Drink a lot of alcohol! See forget, quickly.
2. Bet. Bet. Bet. If there is no shelter there, make your own one. If there is no rooting interest left, make your own one.
3. Take joy in your friends defeats. Often times a nasty facebook post on your buddy’s wall about how his team got absolutely trashed can make you forget how much your own team sucks. Including a little videoclip of a memorable collapse can work sheer wonders in lifting your own mood while conversely making the loss even worse for your buddy which then keeps the natural balance of happiness between two friends in check. I don’t think Dr. Phil could have said it any better.
4. The draft is only 111 days away.
Second Part
New Orleans at Seattle
To Seattle:
1. Pray! Somebody up there must really like Seattle considering that the Seahawks made the playoffs as the first losing team in a full 16-game season and got a freakin’ home game no less. Might as well look for even more divine help at this point. My guess it is the weather gods that are trying to throw Seattleites a bone here.
2. Speaking of weather, the Seahawks should hope for a lousy Seattle-y weather to throw off New Orleans’ high-octane passing offense. There is nothing better that could happen to Seattle than a rainy Saturday in the 30s to slow down the most efficient pass offense in the league (leading the NFL with a completion percentage of 68.1).
3. “Knowing your environment always improves your survival chances” -Bear Gryllz while roaming the jungle of Belize. He might as well have been talking about the NFL playoffs. The Seahawks biggest advantage is their home-field advantage. They are one of the last teams left that have a real home-field advantage and they should not have any problem selling out the stadium.
Quickly to recap: Pray, hope for bad weather and a ferocious home crowd. Ladies and Gentleman, your 2010 Seattle Seahawks! And still … they have a theoretical chance at a Vince Lombardi trophy. Every Giants and Bucs fan just threw up a little in their mouths and reached for some more Jack Daniels.
To New Orleans:
1. Throw the kitchen sink and then some at Matt Hasselbeck right from the start. It is key for the Saints to come out swininging so the crowd never has a chance to become a factor. Apply pressure to a banged up quarterback, knock him to the ground a couple of times and good things will happen for your defense. Sometimes it is as easy as that.
2. Whether you are lost in the desert, trying to hold your own in a fantasy football playoff battle or a real playoff battle; don’t ever try to get cute. It just doesn’t work. Trust your abilities, dance with what brought ya and stick to your strenghts. For the Saints this means trusting your future HOF quarterback to make plays and have him pick apart one of the worst pass defenses in the league (tied for third place with 31 pass TDs given up and 3994 passing yards allowed). Sure you’re going to try to keep them on their toes, but really if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Now let’s move on before I use even more old football adages and turn into a crusty SEC coach with a ridiculous name. Yes, I am talking to you Joker Phillips of Kentucky.
3. Don’t underestimate your opponent or situation. Never a good idea no matter the circumstances, but especially not a good idea when you are the defending champ facing a team that shouldn’t even be in the playoffs. That just has improbable sports-movie-upset written all over it and let me tell you as a Pats fan, it’s even worse than you can possibly imagine to be on the losing side of that one. So leading up to the game, talk of them like they are the champs and you are the underdog and prepare the same way. It has never hurt anybody to sweet-talk their opponent. The other way around is more problematic.
New York at Indianapolis
To New York:
1. Run. The. Ball. Ask any football expert currently employed by CBS, ESPN or FOX and they will tell you: “To win in the playoffs in the National Football League you have to be able to run the ball and stop the run. Also I get paid waaaaaay too much for stating the obvious and/or laughing akwardly at unfunny jokes.” I only made up one of the last two sentences. Now while we certainly can’t trust some TV experts’ competence we do know that the Jets were at their best early in the season when they ran the ball. And really I don’t know why they ever got away from that. In any walk of life is it ever a good idea to get Mark Sanchez involved MORE!? From Week 2 to Week 12 the Jets averaged 34.4 rushing attempts per game. They went 9-1 over that stretch. In other words everytime the Jets attempted to run over 31 times a game they won. Hopefully Rex never realizes this because then we all can look forward to an uber-somber Jets press conference and the 0.5% chance that some reporter will make a foot fetish joke hidden behind a condescending question.
2. Keep Manning off the field. Guess what!? If you just run the ball this will be taken care of easily.
3. Do not panic when down early. Really, to panic is never a good survival strategy. The consensus feeling when playing the Colts is: “Crap, we are down seven to Manning we MUST start throwing now and make this into a shootout!” That is like saying: “Crap, the shark just bit me. There is blood in the water. I should bite the shark back.” NO! You have hands you punch the shark in the freakin’ nose! Why would you not use your obvious advantages but instead stoop to your enemies’ level where they will obviosuly kick your ass or eat you depending on the situation. One more thing: In the six games the Colts lost this season their opponents averaged 37 rushing attempts per game. Conversely in the ten games they won their opponents averaged 22.3 rushing attempts. Need I say more!?
To Indianapolis:
1. Don’t blitz Mark Sanchez. According to this very interesting blog post Sanchez actually has a higher passer rating against the blitz than against a non-blitz formation. So all you have to do is cover. Which coincidentally is also the theme of the Detroit Lions season this year who were 12-4 against the spread. Bravo Lions! Bravo!
2. Pump in additional crowd noise. What they don’t do that anymore!? Never mind then.
3. Let Manning do work. It’s a night game. It’s a home game. It’s the Colts. We have been here before.
One random thought before we go: As a Pats fan I dub this game the Hatebowl because there are no two teams in the NFL I loathe more than the Jets and the Colts. That’s why I am hoping for a tie so that by some quirky loophole in the rulebook both teams are eliminated.
-TO BE CONTINUED with survival tips for Sunday’s teams-