Since the dawn of time men have defined themselves through a number of distinctly manly activities and traits. Whether it is the ability to make fire with two sticks (see Grylls, Bear), the use and sometimes misuse of power tools (I am looking at you, Tim Allen.) or the capability to get excited about watching Die Hard for the umpteenth time; all men share a common thread of things they enjoy and that add to their general manliness. This list of manhood is passed on from one generation to the next and has been readjusted and tinkered with more times than Bruce Jenner’s face.
On said list, somewhere between catching a fish with your bare hands and busting down a door with your shoulder, you will find tailgating at football games.
The combination of grilling and then inhaling piles of meat that would feed your extended family for a month, imbibing quantities of alcohol that would sterilize entire hospitals and subsequently attending a sporting event whose intensity, violence and up-tempo pace is rivaled only by Steven Seagal movies is like a perfect storm of manliness.
(And if that wasn’t enough already, consider the fact that you are doing all of this out of the back of your car or – even better – your pickup truck. Cut to a shot of Tim Taylor grunting exuberantly.)
Unfortunately though, there are still plenty of men that have either failed to acknowledge the significance of a great tailgate or simply have been misguided on their quest to the perfect one. But fear not, because after weeks and weeks of deliberating and consulting, a panel of experts (Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Bundy, the Old Spice Guy, Mike Tyson, the Dos Equis Guy and many more) has come up with the manly tailgating guide for men by men.
(Somewhere Chuck Norris is nodding approvingly.)
GIRLS
Studies have shown that men think about sex 623, 891 times a day (all numbers estimated).
This should come as no surprise when considering our hunter and gatherer roots: We like to be “on the prowl” and collect enough phone numbers of females to make Barney Stinson jealous.
Now, while you would usually go for the age-old strategy of separating the target female from the herd (kind of like a lion does with his prey), tailgating is a different animal (literally).
Tailgating is more comparable to the crocodile-gazelle scenario that the Animal Planet is legally bound to show at least once a month: You have a herd of gazelles trying to quench their thirst at a watering hole and then out of nowhere, the unsuspecting gazelles are mauled by a 500-pound crocodile.
The crocodile knows that the gazelles have to come to the water to survive the scorching midday heat. It has something (in this case precious H2O) that the gazelles want which is why the crocodile can just kick back and play the waiting game.
So the key in order to bring girls to your tailgate is providing goods and services that they want:
- Alcohol and food – I generally try to avoid sounding like a bratty 14-year-old girl (one of my few rules in life), but: “DUH!!!” Have you ever heard anybody turn down free stuff, let alone free booze and food? Me neither. It’s something that is about as unlikely to occur as a guy complaining that there are too many girls at a party. It just doesn’t happen.
- Music – We didn’t need Dane Cook to figure this one out for us, but it is an irrevocable truth: Girls “just wanna dance”. So by providing them with some tunes you have already won half the battle.
- Decoration and Games – Setting up some chairs, tables and a tent can do wonders for you. If you then add some decorations and games (cornhole, horseshoe and of course a football to toss), you are in good shape.
(I cannot emphasize the last point strongly enough. We all know how much girls LOVE decorations. I mean, have you ever seen some of their dorm rooms? They have more lights and garlands than the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.)
Now while these are just some basics; everything that sets you apart from the competition will work in your favor (fireworks, portable Jacuzzis, champagne, etc.). But whatever you end up doing, always remember:
At tailgates, you are a crocodile, not a lion.
FOOD
Ahhh, the barbecue. One of the last truly manly domains. Nothing is more macho. You have the dangers and excitement of an open fire, the satisfaction of preparing the goods yourself and of course lots and lots of dead animals.
Obviously a great barbecue is vital to the success of your tailgate. Not enough or the wrong kind of food, misuse and abuse of the grill and/or unpreparedness and ignorance can turn what should be the highlight of your tailgate into a downright disaster.
So make sure you have the right tools: tongs, a thermometer, a long spatula, coarse grain salt, pepper mill, olive oil or vegetable oil, some spices, an industrial-sized bag of charcoals, liquid oxygen to light them and of course a knife (Think along the lines of Rambo’s combat knife, if you can’t get that a machete will do).
(Sidebar: If for some reason you forget any of this stuff, no need to panic. Just improvise. Really the only thing you need is the comically oversized tactical combat knife. Other than that, just channel your inner MacGyver and git-er-done.)
Now let’s take a look at the Tailgating nutritional pyramid so you know what food to bring (going bottom to top):
Level 1 – The foundation of your pyramid should consist of the tailgating basics: Hot dogs, burgers, everything that goes with it (buns, cheese, ketchup, mayonnaise, mustard, etc.) and bacon. This is where you want to go with quantity. You don’t want to be the tailgate that runs out of food. You want to be the one that could stay in the parking lot and survive till the next game.
Level 2 – Now we move away from the basics and go for something a little bit more extravagant and exquisite: ribs, steaks, polish sausages, brats, chicken and bacon. A good old chili has never hurt anybody either so if you have the time to prepare some beforehand, do it.
Level 3 – Chips, dips, shrimps, s’mores and … wait for it … here it comes … so crispy, so delicious, so unhealthy … more bacon! This level will be the icing on the cake of your tailgate. A good five-layer bean dip and some home-made guacamole will bring out the “ahhhhs” and “uhhhhs”. This last level will come into effect at two points during the tailgate: At the beginning when everybody is still waiting for the food to be cooked and of course at the end when everybody is already painstakingly full but keeps eating while sporting the same slightly confused “I don’t even know why I keep eating, I was full 30 minutes ago” look.
Level 3 concludes our Tailgating nutritional pyramid. (Notice how there is no vegetable level and bacon is included in every one? You’re welcome.)
Gentlemen, start your grills!
DRINKS
While life is an ever-evolving hodgepodge of uncertainties and change, there still are some undeniable truths that we can bank on: the sun will always rise in the east, Charlie Sheen will always be winning, Maverick will always be dangerous, the pancakes at Chartwells will always taste like anything but actual pancakes, Notre Dame football will always be overrated and finally … tailgating and alcohol will always go hand in hand.
(Just like let’s watch a movie is code for let’s have sex, tailgating really means let’s get plastered. That’s the power of football ladies and gentlemen; it has made drinking during the day and in public socially acceptable.)
Now here is a list of the most important alcohol-related things you should know come game day:
- Get a keg, any keg, as long as it is beer you’ll be fine. (One undeniable truth I forgot to mention: Sometime after your fifth and sixth cup, every beer tastes the same.)
- Make sure you have a bottle of Jim Beam for a shot now and then. It’s a good way to sterilize your tongue after the pong ball rolled under the car for the third time in a row.
- For early games: Mimosas (champagne and orange juice), Screw Drivers (vodka and orange juice) and/or Bloody Marys (vodka, tomato juice and then pretty much clear out your spice rack, throw everything together and take cover).
- Change it up every once in a while and make some Skippy. All you need is 30 beers, a bottle of tequila, country time lemonade and a reckless disregard for your liver.
- Play drinking games:
- Beer pong (aka. America’s actual favorite pastime) – Greatest (drinking) game ever. Hands down, the perfect blend of skill, drama and drinking. How it is that we still don’t have a competitive league with nationally televised games I will never understand.
- Flip cup – Another classic among drinking games. Try survivor flip cup to make matters even more interesting (last one to flip is out and so on, until there is one person left).
- Hockey – Screaming “GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLL” at the top of your lungs has never been more fun.
- 7-11-doubles – Whether you are on the street or at a tailgate, beware of games that involve dice.
Now if you make sure to follow all of the steps, tricks and tips covered in the manly tailgating guide for men by men, then there is no reason your next tailgate shouldn’t teem with manliness.
And then maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to make Ernest Hemingway proud who once cited four things one must do to be a man:
“Plant a tree, fight a bull, write a novel and father a son…”
He then paused for a moment and added a fifth:
“… and throw at least one tailgate party you will never forget.”
I am pretty sure that’s what happened, but don’t hold me to it.