The Fan's Perspective

Last time (with all the explanations for the A,B,C,D,F-system) we talked about the second strongest division in football so it’s about time we take a look at the strongest one:

-The Dallas Cowboys’ Dez Bryant (who will miss 4-6 weeks due to injury) will have a better statistical season than Roy E. Williams (C) and an extraterrestrial aircraft will try to land on Cowboys stadium (F). Granted both are long shots to say the least, but hear me out:

When I think of Roy Williams, I think of a washed up 35-year-old bust. Needless to say that I was stunned when I found out that he is 28 and only entering his 8th season in the NFL. The fact that I put Williams in Favre territory speaks volumes about his talents as a wide out. He is so atrocious that I subconsciously made him seven years older in order to make sense of his lack of competence. (Hey at least it’s not like he was drafted in the first round. Oh, wait. That’s right. HE WAS DRAFTED IN THE FIRST EFFING ROUND! Nice job, Lions. Nice job.)

Dez Bryant on the other hand is the hot new thing. He had a sensational sophmore campaign at Oklahoma State (1480 receiving yards and 19TDs) and would’ve probably followed that up with a similar spectacular season in 2009, had he not been suspened by the NCAA. (He had 323 receiving yards and 4 TDs in only 3 games.)

Now think about it. At the worst he’ll miss 5 games (The Boys have a bye in week 4.) and at the best 3. Considering that Mr. Williams had a meager 596 yards receiving and 7 TDs last year, the idea that Bryant might catch him near the end of the season doesn’t seem so far-fetched anymore.

As far as Cowboys stadium is concerned: Does it not look like the mother ship from “Independence Day”!? (Sneaky good trailer by the way, considering that it’s already 14 years old.)

A quick bonus prediction for “America’s team”: Jerry Jones will make 2 or more controversial comments. (A) Easiest one so far by a mile.

- The New York Football Giants’ Victor Cruz will make the team (A) and become a star (D). I know, I know, I know. It’s only one game. In fact, it’s a preseason one (In case you didn’t see it, he had 3 TDs and 145 yards receiving to go along with a sick one-handed catch). I know all that, but yet I truly (copyright by the “Real World: New Orleans” cast; Am I the only one who is annoyed by their constant overuse of the word “truly”?! Really, I truly am? Alright, I’ll truly shut up then.) believe that he’ll become this year’s Miles Austin. There is no real evidence to prove this prediction right (or wrong for that matter), but watching him haul in that long pass with one hand while being held by the corner back and then gliding down the sideline and scoring a touchdown in the process just gave me this weird feeling of watching a star being born. Cruz knew that if he wanted to make the team or at least have a chance he would have to have a big game and he did just that. Now that’s performing under pressure, seizing the moment, or whatever you want to call it. You can’t coach desire like that. Plus sometimes you just have to go with your gut feeling. (Like I did in my fantasy football draft when I avoided Matt Schaub mainly, because I got a feeling of nausea when I imagined having him on my team and then sitting there in Week 2 scrambling to find a replacement for him after his left shoulder exploded in 234 different places. Really when you’re known to be injury prone and you make it through a whole season without a major injury that’s a dark red flag for me for the following season.) Besides, this post is called “Nutty Fortune Lecture” not “Reasonable Fortune Lecture”. So there.

- The Philadelphia Eagles will regret that they traded Donovan McNabb (C), no less within their own division (A). There will be a huge drop-off for the Eagles this season. You don’t get rid of a pro bowl caliber quarterback and continue to put a double digit number in your W column and go to the playoffs. It just doesn’t happen. Not even Aaron Rodgers could do that when he got handed the keys to the car in 2008. To make matters worse Eagles fans will have to watch their former franchise player up the ante twice a year and stick it to the Philly front office. Good thing that the fans there aren’t like vivacious or anything.

- The Washington Redskins will be .500 or better (B). New quarterback. New coach. New mentality? Who knows, in any case the ‘Skins don’t have anywhere to go but up.

**NEXT EDITION: AFC NORTH**

A few days ago I was surfing the web when on a routine pit stop at the worldwide leader of sports’ website I stumbled across this jeremiad:

Naturally, I was instantly bummed out and alternately muttering “Nhhhhoooo’s” and “Wwwwhhhy’s” at my desktop while raising a clenched fist to the ceiling and shaking it vigorously.

After a few minutes of rinse, lather, repeat, I turned my eyes back to the screen only to find out that A-Rod  had just become the youngest player in history to hit 600 home runs.

Great. Juuuuhhhst great. The big fella in the sky just kept pouring it on.

To make matters even worse I remembered that the Red Sox were hopelessly treading water in a ridiculously strong division while fielding a team where basically everybody but the bat boy is/ has been on the DL.

Oh and did I mention that the Celtics lost against their archrival in the finals a few weeks ago and are so swamped with washed-up/old guys that there is no conceivable scenario in which they can get past the second round of the playoffs next year!? The 2010/11 Celtics – Where NBA Methuselahs, busts and headcases go to die!

And then just as I got ready to proceed the fist-clenching, forehead vein pulsating, teeth grinding ritual from before, I remembered something so magically beautiful it deserves at least three exclamation marks and capital letters (No “comic sans” though. I will leave that to the master of the pointed pen, Mr. Gilbert.)

THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE STARTS IN A MERE MONTH!!!

That’s right the modern day gladiators are back and another exciting, action-packed and tumultous season is around the corner. So what better way to lighten up the mood than with some good old fashioned fortune telling. Here are 32 predictions (Yup, one for each team.) that may or may not come true and may or may not make you laugh (or at least smile). In order to spice it up a little we’ll have five self-explanatory categories rating the likeliness of the prediction coming true:

(A) – Bet the house

(B) – Maybe not the house, but at least the car

(C) -  Start hedging your bets

(D) – Entering “Unlikely Land”

(F) – Might as well play lotto

- The Bills will lose 12 games or more (A) and move to Tornoto (D) after the season. They play in the second strongest division in football (which gives them six losses right there) and their offense is plain awful. I mean, they already sucked last year, but they somehow managed to get even worse. (GM Buddy Nix, ladies and gentlemen! Coincidentally nix means nothing in german. As in he has done nothing to improve this team.) The O-line hasn’t been that good to begin with and has been decimated by injuries severly. (This gives you an idea of how bad the situation in Buffalo really is. I actually had to shake my head so many times reading it that it started to hurt.) Naturally, the front office decide it would be a good idea to draft running back C.J. Spiller from Clemson (when they already have Fred Jackson who did a solid job last year as anyone who plays fantasy football can attest)  instead of trading up for OT Russell Okung or just taking OT Anthony Davis (who went just two spots later to San Francisco). Maybe somebody should tell them that they could have freakin’ Chris Johnson back there and they wouldn’t do much damage with a line that is described as “chaotic” (see the aforementioned article). To make matters even worse their quarterback situation is suboptimal at best. You can’t win without a solid offensive line. Just ask Tom Brady (sigh).

- The ‘Fins will make the playoffs (B). Hold on let me go into Lee Corso (if you don’t know him here is just a taste of the madness ) mode for this one: “. . reaching down behind the desk to grab something) …. (holds up a live dolphin and swings it over his head like a sword) !!!! HHHHYIEEAAAHHHH!!! (Security comes on stage to restrain Corso while Kirk reaches under the table to hose down Lee … aaaahhhnnndd … scene!)

-The Pats will not make it past the second round of the playoffs (B). They are one year away from being the Patriots of ‘01-’04. One year. Remember my words. One year away.

-The J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets will not make the playoffs (B) and Andy Reid and Rex Ryan will face off in a Philly cheesesteak chowdown showdown after the fourth preseason game (F). Karma is a bitch, especially in the NFL. We saw it with the Pats in 2007. They were ready to accept the Vince Lombardi trophy in the pregame interviews leading up to Superbowl and all that was handed to them were their asses. So seeing the Jets talk a big game when they only got into the playoffs last year, because the Colts forfeit that now infamous week 16 game, would scare the living hell out of me if I was a Jets fan. (Luckily I am not and rather savoring every last blowhard comment they make, knowing that I am going to enjoy it all doubly when they fall flat on their faces this fall. In related news the Jets have also incurred the Hard Knocks curse.) Of course not only the mighty forces of karma propelled me to this prediction, but also the fact that they swapped their leading rusher (Thomas Jones, 331 carries, 1402 yards, 14 TDs, only MJD and AP had more, and 4.2 yards per carry) for … wait for it … wait for it … that’s right the one and only LT. The epitome of a washed up running back with nothing left in the tank and legs that are completely shot. When I heard about that move my reaction was similar to Angelina’s in this clip (at 3:01) when Ronnie confronts her: “Uhmmm HELLO ARE YOU F***ING STUPID!?!? YOU TRADED AWAY YOUR LEADING RUSHER AND REPLACED HIM WITH F***ING LADAINIAN TOMLINSON!!! ARE YOU DUMB!?!? HELLO!?!? THAT’S SMART!?!? NOOOO!!!”

Anyway, moving on.

**Next Edition: NFC East**