(Before you start reading: It might be a good idea to watch the Survivor episodes in order to maximize your reading experience. You can watch them online here. Just scroll down to Season 20. Yup, you’re welcome.)
By now you should know that I am a huge Bill Simmons guy. He is not only the reason I started writing, but he is also the one who pushed me towards reality TV.
I started off with the Real World/Road Rules Challenge and I was hooked immediately.
Then of course along came “Jersey Shore” and all hell broke loose. That show was so ground-breaking and mesmerizing that not only did the unintentional comedy scale have to be recalibrated, but also the whole concept of reality TV needed to be reevaluated. (As soon as a show prompts somebody to use two re-words in one sentence you just know you have something special.) Unfortunately the show had to end at some point and so I was left with a huge reality TV void.
I had to fill it somehow.
Then the Sports Guy came to the rescue and turned me towards “Survivor”. Again, I was like a pothead in Jamaica. I devoured all four episodes in record time and thought of ways to work the show into a post.
And then it came to me: 16 cast members left. 16 NBA teams contending for playoff spots/seeds. What better way to combine my love for reality TV with my love for professional basketball then by comparing every team to a character on the show!?
So without further ado…. Survivor cast meet your NBA playoff teams!!!
EAST
Cleveland – Boston Rob – Well, obviously, right!? (I just sounded like a 16-year-old teenager. Throw in a “whatever” and a blond wig and I could be Hannah Montana. Not good. Not good at all) On the one side of the hyphen we have the strongest and most versatile team in the league, a mortal lock to be in the Finals (then again, we said the same thing last year… wait a minute why am I refuting my own point. Forget what I just wrote.) and on the other side we have the best-equipped, savviest and most competitive cast member.
Both are the odds on favorite to win it all (at least in my book) and both can only be brought down by either a major upset (Like Russell manipulating everyone to the point where the entire tribe turns on Rob. Highly unlikely but if someone could do it it’s Russell. By the way wait until you see who Russell is paired up with, you’ll see that this analogy makes more sense than you think. Plus you’ll find out that I put waaaay too much thought into this.) or by beating themselves. (Like Mike Brown screwing up and in effect forcing LeBron to leave Cleveland come summer. They would probably have to put Brown in some sort of witness protection program if that happens. I am not even joking.)
One more thing: Boston Rob is by far the most likable cast member. (And I am not saying that because he even wears his Red Sox hat during challenges, which, you have to admit, IS pretty bad-ass.) He is like the Anti-Russell.
Orlando – James - How can you watch James and not think of Dwight Howard? Both are physical specimen unlike anything we have ever seen. They are so ripped and buff that we might have to invent a new adjective to do them justice. I don’t even feel envy when I watch them, I am just in complete awe. ( I don’t even care if I sound gay. They possess athletic bodies that are just so mesmerizing that you cannot not be stunned.) Of course, the similarities go beyond the physical appearance of James and “Superman”. Both, James and the Magic, seem destined to melt down when it matters most. Sure, both look strong and better than ever right now, but both don’t appear to have the mental toughness to go all the way. James already lost his temper numerous times and threw various cast members under the bus, so it’s only a matter of time until he gets voted off. I feel like the same will happen with the Magic. I know I am in the minority, but I am also the same guy who told you pretty much on a weekly basis that Favre would eff up when it matters most. Just sayin’.
Boston – Tom – A sore subject for me, but I’ll walk you through anyway: Both seem strong and you’d think that both still have something left in the tank,, but ultimately both are too old. Tom has gotten by with his unbelievable charisma (a 9 out of 10 on the charisma scale with 10 being Obama) and his resourcefulness.
Same with the Celts. They have done a good job covering up their flaws so far, but as the season wears on they start to trickle out one by one. The most obvious one is their inability to protect fourth quarter leads. They blow games at an alarming rate, especially the last couple of weeks. KG is a shell of his former self. Shed is a disgrace. And all those years playing a high-intensity sport haven’t left Allen and Pierece exactly unscathed either. The only hopes for the Celts are Rondo (can’t/doesn’t want to take over games) and Perkins. You might want to throw Robinson in to that last group, but right now the sample size is too small. Anyway you look at it, this Celtics team is no championship caliber team and Tom has the odds stacked against him as well.
(One last thing: When I am saying Tom is too old I mean too old for the physical day-to-day demand of living on a tropical island and having to do excruciating challenges in the scorching heat or pouring rain.)
Atlanta - Danielle – She gets my vote for hottest female on the show. I don’t care that her face reminds me of a vampire when I look at it longer than 10 seconds. (She has some Cheryl Hines, too. So now we finally have an answer to the age-old question: What would Cheryl Hines look like if she had been bitten by a vampire?) The bottom line is that her rack is extraterrestrial. She is just a pleasure to watch. You know what else is fun to watch? That’s right, the Hawks. Who knew!? Their athleticism is off the charts and it seems like they finally gelled. Joe Johnson is having a career year. Josh Smith finally got his head screwed on straight. Crawford is having his best shooting season since his sophomore year and is putting up a career-high in points. The same goes for Horford who improved his FG percentage significantly. Everything seems to fall into place for the Hawks, but one question remains nevertheless: Just like Danielle they have gotten by relying on basically one trait only. For the Hawks it’s their freakish athleticism and for Danielle it’s her boobs. But will that be enough to carry them all the way? I seriously doubt it, but we’ll see.
(By the way when I say that Danielle has stayed only because of the fact that she is insanely hot, I’m not joking. Sorry to burst the bubble ladies, but I am pretty sure that the physical appearance of female cast members factors in very, very, very strongly into the male cast members’ voting decision. It doesn’t speak to our intelligence, but that’s how men work.)
Toronto – Courtney – I can watch people vomit on television without flinching. I can watch open-heart surgery on TV without passing out. Heck, I can even watch one of those gory horror movies (à la SAW) without looking away (That would be the toughest though, because I actually hate horror movies.) But I CANNOT for the life of me watch Courtney. Here body is so thin it physically hurts me to watch her. I turn into a grimacing epileptic every time I spot here hip bones sticking out like coat pegs. I am sure she is a sweet girl and all, but that woman needs help, because she doesn’t look healthy at all. But before this turns into an episode of Dr. Phil let’s focus on the Raptors: They are the same way. Painful to watch. On top of that they are one of the most uninteresting teams in the league. Seriously, try to come up with one compelling reason to watch them. You can’t. And you can’t convince me to think otherwise. Moving on.
Millwaukee - Colby – From a totally uninteresting team/character to the exact opposite.
Both, Colby and the Bucks, are extremely likable and you really want them to advance, but the odds are stacked against them. Colby already had to sweat it out early during the last tribal council and the Bucks lack of playoff experience will in all likelihood come back to bite them. Plus Colby’s bio reads: “For me, it’s all about the extreme challenge and the epic adventure. A million bucks is a pretty good motivator as well.” Bucks? Coincidence? I don’t think so.
Miami – Amanda – Again, the similarities are eery: Amanda is kind of cute in the beginning, but the longer you watch here the more unattractive/ flawed she gets. Same with Miami, first you see Wade put up highlight reel after highlight reel, but when you watch them closer/more often you find out rather quick that Wade is all they got and that he can only carry them so far. Amanda’s ceiling is limited as well. She will only advance as long as she is no threat to the power players.
Chicago (note: When I was writing this, Chicago was up on Charlotte. You can fill in Charlotte for Chicago and Bobcats for Bulls if you feel like it. Knock yourself out.) – Jerri - I don’t no what to make of Jerri just as I don’t know what to make of this Bulls team (Cop-out alarm!!! Cop-out alarm!!!). Jerri is unpredictable to me. I don’t know what her strategy is. I don’t know if she is “hooking up” (a very loose interpretation of this phrase in this case, since so far there was just some cuddling going on, as far as we know anyway) with Coach in order to strengthen her position within the tribe or if it’s real affection. (Think about that for a moment … real affection for Coach! Don’t tell me she isn’t an enigma.)
And this unpredictability is exactly what makes her so dangerous. You just don’t know. The same goes for the Bulls. I could totally see them pulling off a first-round upset (which they almost did last year), but I could also see them folding like a camping chair. You just don’t know
WEST
L.A. Lakers – Russell – Perfect match! Both are plain evil and both will fall victim to their big ego(s). Kobe wants to win every game for the Lakers and is trying to manifest himself as not only the greatest Laker ever, but also as the greatest player ever (see the ego, there it is again) by trying to rack up as many game winning buzzer beaters as possible. He is taking the last shot. No questions asked. Of course, opponents know that by now and that’s why they can key in on him. For example: When Orlando played the Lakers on Sunday Kobe took the last shot instead of going for the high percentage option and letting Gasol post-up. But enough with the Lakers, let’s take a look at Russell.
I don’t know if he is actually a psychopath/lunatic (think Ron Artest crossed with Charles Manson) with a Napoleon-complex or if it is all a farce to protect his position as a power player. Whatever it is, it’s not working. He tried to work his black magic, but people seemed to have caught on to his manipulating. They are starting to turn on him and if you think they despise him now just wait until they discover that he was the one who hid the machete. They might tar and feather him on national TV. Don’t rule it out.
Dallas – Tyson – Not only does Tyson look like an extremely skinny Nowitzki, but he is also as unsteady as the Mavs. He seemed like he was a total a-hole at first, taking shots at various cast members in the interview sessions. (Not like he is the only one, but still, man up and say it to their faces, will ya!) Similarly, the Mavs seemed like another pedestrian edition of Dallas basketball in the early going, but then everything changed. We found out that Tyson has a warm and fuzzy side when he comforted Coach and even granted him a man-hug and we found out that the Mavs, who made various trades to give them more athleticism and length resulting in a still ongoing winning streak, might be here to stay or should I say advance.
Denver – Parvati – Just as she enchants every cast member with here aura and charm, the Nuggets suck all NBA fans/experts in with their gaudy playing style. Both are everybody’s darling and both could go very far if they keep playing their cards right. (One last thing on Parvati: Is it just me or is there something odd about here face. It seems to go from insanely cute to unbearably weird in a matter of seconds. She is like one of those fancy pictures in museums: You have to see her from the right angle at the right time. Maybe she just puts on less make-up then the rest or maybe I should stop watching under the influence. Oh, well.)
Utah – Coach – Both are stronger than the last time/ last season, but both also might lack the mental toughness to withstand the pressure of the later rounds. Plus, now that the Jazz have roped their fans in as they do every year,you just know they will be thrown out in the second round (possibly in the first) sending their fans into a similar emotional state as Coach was in after he got called out by Sandra. (By the way, love it that Sandra of all people takes a shot at Coach’s work ethic when she isn’t exactly tearing up the place either. But that’s what people do when they are on TV, they talk before they think. Of course, this isn’t solely limited to TV. Just flip through some of my old posts. Yessh.)
Phoenix – Candice -Alright you made it this far so it’s time to let you in on a dirty little secret: Candice is sneaky hot. She has a cute face and her body isn’t anything to hide either. In addition to that she is totally overachieving. She is playing the game the right way (copyright by Peter Gammons): Going around manipulating and strategizing. She’s not just another pretty face. Nope, she is actually trying to win this thing and put herself in the best position to do so. Even if her efforts sometimes fall short/backfire, at least she is doing something. Coincidentally, that is basically the way I would describe the 2009 Phoenix Suns. They are a fun to watch, smart and overachieving basketball team. I mean, c’mon their strongest lineup consists of three players who have been in the league a combined 35 years!!! Nevertheless they could go far and surprise some people down the stretch, because of the way they maximize their strengths.
Oklahoma City – JT – What can you say other than: Nice story and watch out for both down the way. At first we thought that both weren’t ready yet for a deep run (When JT formed conflicting alliances it seemed like he might be gone rather quick. But then he was able to bounce back.), but KD and the gang and JT are trying to prove us wrong. (Well, I will exclude myself there, because I already told you to watch out for OC in my season preview.)
San Antonio- Sandra – She is a scrappy veteran just like the Spurs are a veteran team, but both are coasting on past achievements rather than present deeds. Nobody can really explain how the heck the Spurs are still able to play this strong when their team is falling apart left and right (e.g. Parker’s injury) just as nobody knows how Sandra has positioned herself as a power player without really doing anything significant and why the other cast members consider here to be so integral to the team. Both the Spurs and Sandra are nothing, but hot air.
Portland – Rupert – Both are fighting through adversity courageously, but both are marred by injuries. (For the Trail Blazers it’s Oden/Przybilla and for Rupert it’s his broken toe.) So their ceiling is bound directly to how well they are able to cope with their limitations.
Phew! It took a while, but we finally made it. Now that we lined up the Survivor cast members with the contenders of the Association, the playoff picture should have become a lot clearer. But hey, don’t thank me, thank the Survivor franchise, Jeff Probst and all the cast members for satisfying our reality TV fix and making our lives a little sweeter in the process.
