Ohhhhh, brother. What agony! What disgrace! What embarassment!
Listen, I have a fairly high tolerance limit. I like to think of myself as somebody with a high pain threshold. But that last NFL weekend was just too much for me.
Not only did I go 1-3 in my picks, which is enough of a disrepute to never ever pick games again.
Not only did my Superbowl pick go up in flames like Tiger Woods’ marriage (although I kinda predicted that anyway. The Superbowl pick that is. Not the Tiger debacle, not even Nostradamus saw that one coming).
Not only did I flounder money by putting some green on the Cards – I blindly ignored their atrocious defense. I mean they got scored on more than J-WOWW from the Jersey Shore, biiiitch!!! (Whoops sorry that was my Jersey shore reflex from hearing the intro too many times, cue up Snooki’s piercing voice: I am going to the Jersey Shore, biiitch!!!) and the Cowboys (At next years spelling bee: The word is obliterated. - Can I have that in a sentence? - The Dallas O-line was obliterated by the Vikings front four. – Obliterated. O-B-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-E-D. Obliterated.)
But I also (I know that was neither a grammatically correct English passage nor sentence. So what!? This is still my blog. Sue me. – Sadly enough, chances are that will probably happen some day. Sigh.) was exposed to THREE awful NFL playoff games. I mean, the first three games were so bad I had to throw salt into my eyes at times to mitigate (Learned that word while studying for the SAT. Fancy schmancy, huh!?) the pain. It was blowout after blowout and some thrashing in between. I hope Roger Goddell called up the Jets and Chargers and thanked them for the fact that at least they delivered.
That sure is a lot of stuff to recover from. Fortunately, I was occupied by studying all week. (I know a godsend, right!?)
But you know what’s the best way to recover from some dreadful games, bad picks and lost money?
Alcohol? – It helps, but not the ultimate solution.
Drugs? – See, alcohol.
Hookers? – I am kiddding. I’m kidding. Relax! Settle down.
All of the above? – Again, juuuust joking. As far as you know, anyway.
Nope. More football. Fight fire with fire, mate.
(One more thing: If you’re still traumatized by that ghastly slate of games last weekend or you have made stupider picks and bets than I have – hard to imagine, but whatever – then maybe you’ll find solace in this fact: Come February 7, 2010 we will definitely either see Minnesota or New Orleans and there even is a distinct possibility that we’ll see the Jets. Three of the most fanatic and at the same time most tortured fan bases in all the land. You’re telling me that won’t be mind-boggling?!)
Now let’s look at the games:
New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts
They couldn’t script this in Hollywood.
The ultimate underdog, the NFL version of “the U” with all their bragging and swagger going up against the undeniable favorit, a team that hasn’t lost a “real” game all season. In the obvious irony of ironies the Colts let the door open for the Jets to sneak into the playoffs when they pulled their starters in week 16 and now the J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets are kicking them down one by one.
All week long I was thinking about this game and who I should root for. On the one hand the Jets are a divison rival, which means I am obligated to hate them, but on the other side I just HATE the Colts sooooo much. (What I already mentioned this? Must have slipped my mind.) So I ended up settling on the Jets, after all they are a fun story and it would be the greatest thing ever if the Colts lost a) even though they rested their starters (You know my stance on that crap.) and b) because THEY enabled the Jets to make the palyoffs in the first place.
Now since I am pulling for the Jets it’s time for a pros and cons list why the Jets should/could win:
PROS
- They have nothing to lose. At best they culminate an improbable run with a Superbowl appearance and at worst they were the defining feel-good/entertaing story of this season. Plus they will only be better next year. The Colts on the other hand have all the pressure of the world on them. They play at home. They gave up the chance for a perfect season for their ultimate goal, a championship. Their fans will rip them to shreds and possibly even burn down the stadium if they somehow lose this one. John Clayton from ESPN put it best: “The Colts created a monster in week 16.”
- The Jets are the epitome of an old-school playoff team. Run the ball. Play defense. That’s it. They are what they are and if you ask me (You probably didn’t, but I’ll tell you anyway.) they match up nicely agains the Colts. On paper, anyway. The Jets have no incentive to throw the ball with a rookie QB against a fast, speedy defense. There is no question that the Colts D is better than it has been in recent years, but they still are not physical. The Jets however are tough as nails. They will really hit you in the mouth. New York’s O-line is one of the best if not the best in the biz. The five big fellas up front played 33 consecutive games together. They’ll be able to open up big gaps for Shonn Greene. In additon to that Reggie Wayne will be non-existent matched up against Revis (I am still outraged that he didn’t win DPOTY. I mean Charles Woodson!? In the words of the MNF guys: “C’mon, maahn.) and Manning will have a guy or two in his face every single down.
Now on to the CONS (Not you Charlie Sheen!!!)
- The Colts play at home. Look, I am not a big believer in the whole home-field advantage thing. I just think we tend to overrate it a bit, but if there ever is an argument for it it’s with dome-teams. The level of crowd noise in a dome is a distinct edge for the home team. The Jets won’t be able to make last second adjustments at the line. There will be a couple of false starts and above all, Sanchez will be rattled enough at some point to make a costly mistake. (Mark it down right now. Either to point it out to me and make fun of me when it doesn’t happen, which is the more likely route, or to acknowledge me when it does occur. After going 1-3 in my picks, the probability of the latter happening is near zero.)
- The Colts have Manning. Here is the thing: In all likelihood when all is said and done Manning will go down as the best quarterback to ever play the game. (Rest assured that I had to pop in a couple of pain killers before I was able to write that last sentence.) I watched him against Baltimore. Everytime the Colts were in the red zone, the Ravens dropped everybody short of the waterboy into coverage. Didn’t matter. Manning sliced the ball in there every single time into spots that were as tight as the collective swingter of every Ravens fan. He is just too good. He is arguably the best QB against the blitz, makes audibles and adjustments like no one else and detests loosing about as mach as any athlete ever. The announcers pointed out that Manning hates to be stopped. Heck, he even dislikes being held to a field goal after a 80-yard drive. He has this MJ-like competitevness that distinguishes a great player from a top 5 all-time player. In the words of the immortal Ronnie form Jersey Shore: “It is what it is.” (Three references already so if you haven’t watched the show yet a) shame on you and b) go watch all episodes on mtv.com. Do it!)
(Note from the editor: After The Average Fan wrote this last passage he briefly passed out and had to be brought to the hospital. He is now stable, but keeps screaming “WHY OH WHY” and cursing at the Manning family.)
Uh-oh seems like we have a pros and cons tie.
Tiebreaker: Who is the better all-around team?
Sorry, Jets fans it’s the Colts. They are still virtually unbeaten this season. They have a futer HOF quarterback (Note from the editor: He just passed out again.) They play at home. They are just plain better.
Gut pick: Colts
(Again sorry Jets fans, but I don’t see it happening. Wait a minute … actually … rejoice Jets fans!!! I picked against your team which means there is a 3-1 chance that they’ll win. You can send me fruit baskets afterwards.)
Minnesota Vikings at New Orleans Saints
Favre vs Brees – Old school vs New school
Adrian Peterson vs Reggie Bush – Promising college runningback who proved worthy of a first-round selection vs Highly touted college runningback who failed to meet expectations (excluding that last game)
Prince vs Kim Kardashian – Tiny rock/pop star vs pseudo celbrity with huge rack and some junk in the trunk
The two best NFC teams of the first half of the regular season finally face each other.
So let’s break this down bulletin-board style:
- If there is one glarring weakness the Sainst have that just screams “VIKINGS WILL WIN” it is the fact that you can run on them. AP hasn’t been as good as in previous seasons, but a lot of that can be accredited to the O-line. I thought (and even said so) that the Dallas front four would shred the Vikings O-line. Well, I was wrong. Wrongwrongwrongwrong. Just dead wrong. They played better than I would have ever expected. The Saints front four isn’t nealry as stout as the Dallas one, which means two things: Favre will have all day to throw it and AP will have room to run and once he gets to that second level he will wreak havoc.
- Sticking with the line theme: The Saints O-line is obviously one of the best in the whole league. There is no doubt about that. And still I feel like the Vikes can get pressure on Brees. The purple unit sacked Romo on virtually every possession last week and made him look awful in the process. Now granted the boys lost Flozell Adams (funny tidbit on Adams: His nickname is “The Hotel”. Which raises a bunch of questions: How did he get that nickname? Who came up with it? And most importantly: How and where can I get a nickname like that?), a key part of that line, early on, but still Jared Allen and the gang sliced through there anytime they felt like it. Watch out for a similar dominat performance this Sunday.
- While the Vikings have those things going for them, the Saints can still count on this: the crowd. The Superdome will be rocking on Sunday, trust me. Just scroll up to see what I wrote about home dome teams. The same applies here. Probably even more so since the Saints fans have gone through so much. It’ll be an atmosphere unlike anything we have seen all season long and sometimes an electric crowd can be the difference in a game like this. Just sayin’.
So let’s sum this up:
- Quarterback – Tie
- Receivers – Tie -> Rice and Harvin are better that Colston and Henderson, but New Orleans has more depth at wide receiver.
- Runningbacks – Edge: Vikings -> AP and Taylor are better than Thomas, Bush and Bell. (Sounds like a southern law firm doesn’t it? Listen up, ya’ll! At Thomas, Bush and Bell we keep our promises. We will win you that law suit or you will get your money back. Dial 1-800-CASHBACK for more information.) They just are. (How’s that for an argument, huh!? Evidence or examples, anyone? Naaah. Who needs that if you can make statements like the above one!?) Plus don’t expect Bush to have a performance à la last week, because the Vikings defense is not the Cardinals defense. Sorry, Kim, not happening.
- Defense – Edge: Vikings
- Special teams – Tie
- Crowd factor – New Orleans
It was close, but the final score is 2-1 for the Vikes. (Somewhere Prince just jumped out of his chair in the H.H.H. Metrodome all fired up, after he fell asleep in the third quarter at last weekend’s game and was locked in all week long.)
My head tells me Minny, but I am sick and tired of picking against the Saints and being burned in the process. That is why:
Gut pick: Saints
Whatever way things shake out on Sunday, let’s pray that we’ll see some great football and close games (and of course that my picks are right for once). Memorable moments have been scarce in these playoffs, but maybe, just maybe, that will change this weekend. The table has been set and now all we can do is kick back and enjoy.