We have been waiting for this moment for two solid years. (The good people from the state of Ohio have been dreading it equally long.) The speculations and rumors build up like a tsunami — starting back in 2008 when Bosh, Wade, LeBron and Paul allegedly made a pact to join forces in 2010 — and gained more and more steam these past weeks. The wave is about to crash in a few minutes and it will sweep the past weeks and years away just like that.
(The Average Fan, the master of suspense, ladies and gentleman!!! I will now just sit here and wait for an offer from MTV to do the “Next time on the Jersey Shore 2″ video montages this fall. I am way too excited for this show. It can’t be healthy. The fact that I’ll be starting college in Miami this fall doesn’t help either. I know they have already filmed everything, but there still is an off-chance I’ll buy J-Woww shots at 3 a.m. in some seedy nightclub in Southe Beach two month from now. Don’t rule it out. But we’re getting off track. Where were we? LeBron. Free Agency. Crushing Cleveland fans. Alright. Got it.)
I can’t remember anything like this.
There haven’t been this many unnamed sources since… since … well … EVER!!! There are new hints, twists and turns seemingly every minute. Everybody wants to know where the most coveted free agent in the history of sports will play next year. Sports journalists, anchors, radio hosts. They are all basically willing to do anything short of actually selling their intestines for reporting the next nugget. But can you blame them?
Nope, because, if there is anything that’ll make the internet, stock market and possibly a whole state collapse in a matter of minutes, it’s LeBron announcing his decision in a little less than an hour. At this point I am so LeBronized I am not even sure if he is picking a team or if he is running for president.
(I already feel terrible for Cavs fans, no matter what the King’s decision will be. They have been on pins and needles for weeks now and by deciding to make a one-hour-special and announce his decision on national televsion, LeBron has basically put on a medieval hangman’s cowl and guided every Cavs fan to the gallows. This won’t end well. Soembody tell Obama to send up the national guard to Ohio as a precautionary measure. I am not sure if that’s enough though.)
The beauty (That is if you are no Knicks, Bulls, Heat and especially no Cavaliers fan) of the whole thing is that we don’t know what will happen. Most people think he will go to Miami. But can we really be sure he wants to be the Robin to Wade’s Batman!? (The Master of suspense strikes again trying to rope you into believing that there still is some chance he might not go to Miami after all. I could keep people tuned for you, MTV!!! What are you guys waiting for!? Sign me, goddammit!)
The answer is no. Nobody knows. Maybe LeBron doesn’t even know yet (highly unlikely, but still in play)!?
There is no precedent for this, no protocol.
It’s a TV event unlike anything we have ever seen. It’s a milestone in sports marketing and free agency. It is the ultimate indicator of today’s zeitgeist: Squeeze the last dime out of every opportunity. Market yourself until you turn purple and use the globalization, social media and the 24/7 news circle as a tool to build your own “brand”. I won’t judge it. It’s smart if you ask me. Now is it immoral? Maybe. Does it shock me? No. We were headed for this.
But you know what we are heading for now? That’s right! A live-running diary!
So without further ado let’s turn it over to live-coverage from a cozy one-family house somewhere in Austria.
2:55 a.m.: AAAAAaaaaaannnnndddd we’re live!!!
2:57 a.m.: Wow, Jon Barry just verbally slapped Kobe in the face by mentioning that LeBron is the best player in the NBA. That can’t go over well in Bryant’s camp. Don’t be surprised if you wake up next to a dead horse head tomorrow, Jon.
3:03 a.m.: I will put the over/under for hours of sleep for Chris Broussard at 20 for this past week and I will pound the under. We should be able to bet on these things. Just like we should be able to bet on stuff like “Who’s suit was the most expensive” and “Who shined up the old eight ball the most”.
3:07 a.m.: Am I the only one who is sad that Bosh leaves the only team in the NBA that is the perfect fit in terms of team logo for him!? I mean does he not look exactly like a Raptor? That has to account for something, right!? No? Ok.
3:12 a.m.: Right now the strongest argument for Bron choosing Chicago is that he changed his number to 6. Why else would he do that? It can’t be just, because he wants to sell more jerseys, can it!? Oh, wait we are talking about NBA players here. So maybe it IS just to cash in one more time.
3:16 a.m.: Clean sweep for Miami among Wilbon, Broussard and Barry. I feel bad for Cleveland fans, but there absolutely should be a live stream from a few random Cleveland houses right now. Like you wouldn’t watch fans at the edge of their seats, ready to collapse in the blink of an eye. On second thought that would be the cruelest TV show ever. So scratch that. Whoops, I hope I didn’t just give a FOX executive an idea there.
3:22 a.m.: Finally, LeBron. He looks like an oversized tennis ref on that chair. Did they take those bar stools with them after they finished partying in South Beach? Oh snap! Did you see what I just did? Yes you did. Yes you did.
3:25 a.m.: Bron tells us that he didn’t decide until this morning. I have a hard time believing that. I would believe that he grew that James Harden beard in two days before I believe that he made the biggest decision of his life some 12 hours ago.
3:27 a.m.: HOLY S***!!! He just made the decision. It’s Miami! MIAMI!!! I really expected him to say Cleveland. Then again I have a soul.
3:30 a.m.: His heart may be around this area, but he can NEVER EVER go back to Ohio.
3:31 a.m.: He will still live in Ohio? Really? REALLY? That is the ballsiest move ever. The over/under for claybricks smashing through his window “Remember the Titans” -style is at 4 per week. Over.
3:34 a.m.: Did I mention that I’ll be starting college in Miami this fall? Ahhhww yeah!!! I’ll have the chance to go to a virtual All Star game every other day. Then again the arena won’t be half empty anymore now. So maybe I’ll just have to hope catching a glimpse of LeBron while partying in South Beach. Oh well.
3:38 a.m.: They just showed the reaction in a bar in Miami and Cleveland. The joy in Miami seemed contrived and the bar seemed half empty. Not a good sign if you’re LeBron. Contrived and half empty. Maybe I’ll get a cheap season ticket after all. The scene in the Cleveland bar was classic. The old “Rrrrrhhhaaaawwwww NOOOOOOOO!!!!!”. Poor people. That’s too much suffering for one region. It’s not even funny anymore.
3:43 a.m.: I give Pat Riley one month before he gives Spoelstra the “Alright you had your fun little buddy now step aside and let Daddy handle the big boys”- move. It’ll happen. Just wait.
3:47 a.m.: LeBron is getting more uncomfortable by the minute. Stuttering. Fidgeting. Nervous.
3:48 a.m.: If he wanted a ring he should have gone to Chicago. Obviously. He chose partying with friends over winning a ring. That’s fine. Every 24 year-old would have done that. Fits perfectly with the rest we know about LeBron: Loves jokes about farts, gregarious, still hangs with his high school buddies. So in the end it was the logical move for him.
3:52 a.m.: First time James seemed to get choked up when they showed people burn his jersey in Cleveland. I can’t tell if the reaction was real. But I sure hope he wasn’t surprised. He just decaptivated an entire state on national television. And he didn’t do it to win a ring, but to play pickup and party with his friends.
3:56 a.m.: I got a cold shiver running down my back when they showed old James highlights to the tune of Eminem’s “Not afraid”. I can only imagine the pain Cavs fans are feeling right now. I don’t think I’ve ever been more glad to be a Boston fan.
4:00 a.m.: Did LeBron just suggest that Joel Anthony might have to make an important basket? Are we sure he is not intoxicated? I am searching for a hip flask looming somewhere in his hand right now.
4:03 a.m.: I just noticed that Broussard is missing. Did he collapse from sleep deprivation or did ESPN have to hose him down after LeBron made his decision? Where is Chris? I am genuinely worried.
4:07 a.m.: So after more than an hour of LeBron. It’s time for a conclusion/verdict: Like I said earlier LeBron chose having fun vs winning (Chicago)/loyalty (Cleveland)/greatness (New York). He wanted to play with his friends, enjoy Miami’s nightlife and weather and not carry the whole load anymore. Translation: I don’t care about winning, I just want to have fun and a good time. I should rephrase that: Maybe he talked himself into having the best shot at winning in Miami, but the reality is that joining the Bulls would’ve meant title after title. I am not saying that he won’t win one or two down there, but the number is definitely limited. In Chicago? He could have built a true dynasty. Only time will show if his decision was the right one.
04:16 a.m.: Alright, that’s it. The King is gone and the jester needs to follow. The next time I’ll be writing about LeBron I will hopefully be in a closer proximity. Maybe I’ll even be able to watch the 2008 Olympic team first hand. Until then, hang tight and always keep a fan’s perspective!



